In case you haven't caught on from my previous posts, I want to be an actress. Like Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman or someone like that. Don't close out this window because you think I'm delusional; I implore you to keep reading.
I've been acting since I was two years old. My first role was as the angel of the Lord in a church Christmas pageant. I said "Glory to God in the highest!", and I believe it was the only line in the play. Since then, I've been stuck. After one show finishes, I'm on the prowl for another audition. I'm thrilled when I'm able to do two shows at once, because it makes me feel smart in some unique, twisted way. My aunt and uncle used to take me to shows put on my a local youth theater group. When I was 7, I convinced my parents to let me audition for their production of Winnie the Pooh. I was cast as a non-speaking animal(the part I tried out for). I ran across the stage screaming a couple of times, which was perfect for an overly excited seven-year-old. Since then, I've participated in almost 30 productions, most of them with the same company. In most of those 30 productions I've played a chorus member, which was fine for a while, but now I'm ready for my time to shine. The past couple shows that I've been a no-name, I've cried when the cast list was posted. Luckily, it's emailed to us, so I can have my meltdown in private, but it still hurts just as bad. When you don't get what you want so many times over, you start to take it personally. I've stopped believeing well-meaning comments like "You're just not what the director was looking for" or "You'll still have fun" or, my least favorite, "You'll get the next one". Because you know what? I never do. But something keeps me going. There's some sort of drive in the pit of my stomach that makes me keep trying, that keeps me believing that someday I'll accept my Oscar with a newfound sense of pride and bask in the glory of knowing that I did something no one thought I could do-- something that sometimes I don't even think I can do. But I know I can. I have to. I have to be able to come home and non-chalently tell all the people who have tried to shoot me down that I'm still standing.
So I've settled with 'the right part just hasn't come along yet'. But this year, I know it will. It has to. I keep insisting that soon I'll get a notable part, or a part with a name, or even a couple lines or a solo. Some might wonder, with all this rejection, if I'm any good. If I just am I horrible actress and should just give up. But I know I don't stink. Before I signed with my agent, I had to audition by reading a script for them. If I was terrible, they wouldn't waste their time, money, and resorces on me.
Every year around Christmastime, my church puts on a pretty prestigues program. People from all over our city and surrounding cities so see it. The show usually follows the birth of Christ, the events leading up to it, and sometimes those immediately following, and it is never exactly the same. The role of Mary, mother of Jesus, is usually played by a member of the adult choir. Mary sings solos and has some dramatic scenes. To me, the thought of someone not a thirty-something choir member playing Mary was unthinkable. Until, this year, some force overcame me and I tried out for the role. I never believed I had a shot. I didn't think they would even consider me. I was sure that as soon as I left the room they all burst out laughing at my audacity. But then, a few days later, I got what was very possibly the most wonderful phone call of my life. I had gotten the part. When my mom told me, We both jumped up and down, screaming, hugging, and crying(well, mostly I was crying). All I could say was "Finally" over and over again. This was the first time in numerous years I had cried happy tears over a cast list. This was the first time there had not been screaming in frustration, jumping up and down so I could stomp harder. Finally I felt the sensation that is feeling overjoyed. I believe that was the first time I felt it, and it was amazing. Hopefully, I will feel it often in the future. Finally, I was going to get my time to have a notable role, and this was truely the best role I will ever have; it was the role of a lifetime. I was so honored to get the oppertunity to represent the mother of my saviour. Even though I was diagnosed with laryngitis the day before the show, it was still a wonderful production like it always is. There is a woman at my church who writes a blog that is widely read; my mom and I read it reguarly. After the show, she blogged about my 'moving performance'. It was my first review, and I was so happy to have impressed this amazing writer.
Next week, I'm setting myself up for another disappointment-- or another moment of feeling overjoyed. I hope it's the latter. The youth theater group I often perform with is about to hold auditions for Hairspray, the musical. I plan to try out, hoping, wishing, and most importantly praying, for a good outcome. I want a good part so bad I can taste it. I want a good part so bad I've already cried over it--twice. I know it sounds pathetic, but it is what it is. The reason I'm posting this paragraph is so that hopefully, in the previous paragraphs I've made you want me to get a good part too. Hopefully, I've convinced you to also pray for a good outcome. So now I have just one question; would it appear too desprate if I wore my hair like my desired character?
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